Saturday, October 8, 2016

The Emergence....'s been a couple of months again since I have taken the time to write anything...perhaps this is why I can't many words and the feelings attached to them, swirling in this head of mine.   I have shared so many pivotal points in this journey with all of you and felt so much love and support in return...and for that...I can't thank you enough. 

In my attempt to put into words what these last fourteen months have felt like I have described it like this to many...on August 21st last year the world I knew came to a complete stop.  I felt like I was trapped inside a bubble where time had stopped....and yet that bubble was trapped inside a bigger bubble that seemed to be spinning so fast and out of control.  Looking back now, I realize that inner bubble was my layer of held me without fail while the outer bubble took on the rest of the hits from  hard stuff that would continue to come.  It's funny...when I think of one years time...I envision it in an oval shape...kind of like a running track. (am i the only one who does that?)  Well...I made it...all the way around...bumping and bruising along the way...but I made it.  I know there were times when I fell down, but there was always someone there to reach out and bring me to my feet, and maybe even a few times that I just helped myself get back up...and even though there are parts that feel like a blur I can look back and see that even in my darkest moments...I kept moving. For the first time in my adult life...even though I had a great tribe of family and friends...I was alone. And even though sometimes that was painfully hard, l can see now that it too, was a gift.  It's made me stronger.   I still accomplished things....and even though there were times when I got scolded for not reaching out for support (yep, talking about you Brandi Jo)...those were the things that I just knew I needed to feel and to experience on my own...  

 It's an amazing gift to give yourself permission to feel what you feel....

Over the past couple of months I have literally felt this change happening...and I've dubbed it "The Emergence".  

  1. 1.
    the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed.

I can physically feel myself leaving the protection of my bubbles  Easier said than done, it's scary as hell and yet exhilarating at the same time...they have held me and protected me and of course, I've decorated inside with modern eclectic leaving....leaving what I know is hard...and yet I know it's time.  I liken it to a butterfly leaving it's cocoon.Now, I'm not saying I'm a butterfly by any means...I mean I did one of those Facebook questionnaires asking "Who is Your Spirit Animal" and I think I got something like a raccoon or a unicorn, I can't remember...but we all know how spot on those are, right?  

If I were a butterfly.....

As I was struggling this morning to try and figure out just how to put into words what I'm feeling about what's next for me, I saw this quote that I posted exactly four years ago today....and it says it all.  

"The only real failure is the failure to try. It's true that the person who risks nothing does nothing and has nothing. And the measure of success is how we cope with we always must! Can we be blamed for feeling we are too scared of disappointment to start it all again? We came here and we tried, all of us in our different ways. All we know about the future is that it will be different. Perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same, so we must celebrate the changes. Are we going to be alright?...No, it's going to be extraordinary!!!"
-----The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel-----

Much love to all of you....thanks for loving me.



  1. you continue to inspire me daily... i love you.

    1. Molly...I would like to hug you....for realz. Let's find a way to make that happen...k?

  2. Utter by, flutter by..... ❤️ you, baby girl

  3. I love you, Penny Barnes. You are my hero 💚

  4. It never gets easier.. We just have to move second by second to survive.. I just love that last paragraph quote. So very very true. Hugs to you, and use your friends to lean on. It seems like you are blessed to have a large safety net. I know losing your best friend/ soulmate/ life/world, feels like you are alone. In that aspect you are, You are blessed to have your friends and family for a different kind of love and support.. I am so bad at words, I hope that made sense.. You are an incredible strong Young Woman with so much life ahead of you, and so much to offer the world. Being *alone* forces you to do things on your own, and it makes you realize how strong, and independent you really are. It was in you all the time! Sending more love and strength, and thank you for being you! <3 <3 <3